Day 6

When I signed up for the challenge, I also signed up to see a personal trainer.  I figured the more motivation the better.  Today was my first session.  I don’t know what I thought was going to happen.  I don’t know what I expected.  I was nervous driving to the gym.  I think… I was expecting that he would show me the various machines and how to use them.  That he would see what I already knew and what I needed to know.  That’s not what happened.  I don’t know.  I don’t think I liked it.  I didn’t feel as if he was helping me with what I needed to achieve to lose weight.  I didn’t feel pushed the whole time.  I might go to one more session and see if it’s any different.   I mean, it’s the first one so it has to go up from there.

I feel as if I’m finally getting into a habit of going to the gym. I know it’s early…only 6 days.  But it’s more than I’ve gone in the last 6 months.  I’m seeing a little progress.  I’ve gotten on the scale every day.  I know I’m not supposed to.  I don’t see any difference in my clothes.  I just want to see if it’s working. And it is.  A little.  Again, I know it’s only been 6 days so I shouldn’t be expecting to see a big jump.

I’ve heard people say that when they workout they feel better throughout the day.  I think that is b.s.  I don’t feel better.  I don’t necessarily feel worse but it doesn’t make me feel better.  I think I still have the same amount of energy I had before I started working out.  Maybe as time goes by I’ll start to feel different about it.

Remind yourself that it's okay not to be perfect.

Remind yourself that it’s okay not to be perfect.

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Day 5

For the 90 day challenge, one of the requirements is that I need to take before and after photos. I usually don’t like taking photos.  I’m the one who turns my head or covers my face.  I’ve been putting it off since I signed up.  The photo itself needs to show as much as my body, while being tasteful.  No standing in the mirror and taking the photo.  I need to have someone take the photo of me in a sports bra and shorts.  I already asked my sister to do it.  She said sure, just tell her when.  I asked her 5 days ago.  I don’t usually have a problem with the way I look.  I’ve seen myself in mirrors and photos. But for some reason, taking this simple photo is tough for me to do.   That is today’s goal.

There’s a zumba class later today.  I’m going to check it out.  I like dancing.  But as I said before.  I do not like the mirrors.

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it. -Bill Cosby

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it. -Bill Cosby

Day 2

Today I am sad.

I went. I just got in my car and drove there.  I was very proud of myself for taking that first step.  Although, I have taken that first step plenty of times before.  Hopefully, this time will be different.

At my gym, they are having this 90 day transformation challenge.  I figured I needed something to keep me coming back.  So I signed up. It was really nerve wrecking.  I think the trainer who got all my measurements thought I was very un-friendly because I was not saying anything.  In my mind all I could think of was this is a huge commitment.  Am I ready to commit to this?  What if I fail?  Then, I told myself to just do it.  You want this. Start talking. Ask questions. And I did.  He told me that in order to actually succeed I need to follow a good meal plan and exercise 5-6 days a week.  The first I don’t think will be that hard for me to do.  It’s the go to the gym 5 times a week that freaks me out.  I barely went 1 time a month much less 1 time a week before. I’m not sure I will be able to push myself into going.  Even with signing up for the challenge.  I’m still not sure I can do this.

I took a workout class while I was there.  The music was loud. The moves were fun.  The mirrors were awful.  Not in the sense that they were bad mirrors. But looking at my body in those mirrors, I started to feel bad about myself.  Don’t get me wrong. I’m an obese person. I know I am.  I know how much I weigh. I know what size clothes I shop for. I know how tight my clothes are.  But I’ve taken those classes before.  Give or take about 20 pounds ago.  And I’ve seen myself in those mirrors before.  I know how big I am.  I’ve seen myself and thought… “Man, you need to lose weight.”  But after that class was over, I looked at my body in the mirror, all I could think was…. “You.  Are.  Fat.”  And it made me sad. That’s the state of mind I’m still in today.  Sad.

I still think about failing.  I still wonder if this commitment is too much.  Even though I want this,  is this something I will be able to do?  I still need to go today.  Hopefully, this time will be different.

I am not depressed- Amelie Pascual

I am not depressed- Amelie Pascual