Today I am sad.
I went. I just got in my car and drove there. I was very proud of myself for taking that first step. Although, I have taken that first step plenty of times before. Hopefully, this time will be different.
At my gym, they are having this 90 day transformation challenge. I figured I needed something to keep me coming back. So I signed up. It was really nerve wrecking. I think the trainer who got all my measurements thought I was very un-friendly because I was not saying anything. In my mind all I could think of was this is a huge commitment. Am I ready to commit to this? What if I fail? Then, I told myself to just do it. You want this. Start talking. Ask questions. And I did. He told me that in order to actually succeed I need to follow a good meal plan and exercise 5-6 days a week. The first I don’t think will be that hard for me to do. It’s the go to the gym 5 times a week that freaks me out. I barely went 1 time a month much less 1 time a week before. I’m not sure I will be able to push myself into going. Even with signing up for the challenge. I’m still not sure I can do this.
I took a workout class while I was there. The music was loud. The moves were fun. The mirrors were awful. Not in the sense that they were bad mirrors. But looking at my body in those mirrors, I started to feel bad about myself. Don’t get me wrong. I’m an obese person. I know I am. I know how much I weigh. I know what size clothes I shop for. I know how tight my clothes are. But I’ve taken those classes before. Give or take about 20 pounds ago. And I’ve seen myself in those mirrors before. I know how big I am. I’ve seen myself and thought… “Man, you need to lose weight.” But after that class was over, I looked at my body in the mirror, all I could think was…. “You. Are. Fat.” And it made me sad. That’s the state of mind I’m still in today. Sad.
I still think about failing. I still wonder if this commitment is too much. Even though I want this, is this something I will be able to do? I still need to go today. Hopefully, this time will be different.